At Evolve Therapy, we understand that seeking support for your relationship can bring up many questions. Whether you're navigating communication breakdowns, dealing with past trauma, or striving to enhance emotional intimacy, our couples counseling services are here to help.
Below, we address the most common inquiries from couples looking to strengthen their bond and achieve a healthy, fulfilling relationship.
How long will therapy take?
It is a great question, and of course, you want to know. It is important because couples want to know how much money they will have to spend and how much time they will have to invest until they start to feel better. The real answer is that it depends.
Here are the factors that got into the “it depends”:
All of the therapists at Evolve Therapy are fully trained Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) EFT is evidence based which means it has a lot of research supporting it. In some of those studies it says that within 12-20 sessions of receiving EFT Therapy, 70% of the couples are much better if they have gone through a bonding event in that period of time. That said, there are some factors affect that and it can’t be done that quickly.
If there is a history of trauma:
Trauma can come in many forms; the most common one is childhood abuse and or neglect. This type of trauma has a long-term effect on the way a person relates to others, it is sometimes hard to change even though the person who experienced the trauma wants to do things differently.
Even though it is hard to change, an efficient way to make the change is to do through an experiential model like EFT. We heal in relationships by relating to others differently. The hard part is that these ways of relating to others were ingrained when the person was young, so it sometimes takes longer. It is important to know that if there is this type of history, therapy will likely take longer.
If you have been stuck in your pattern for a long time:
I imagine some of the negative cycles as boats in the water that need to be redirected. Imagine that you are turning around a tugboat versus turning around a barge. It is much harder to turnaround with a bigger boat. These patterns can get stuck and become rigid and it takes time to undo some of the behaviors and change ways of relating. If we are working with a couple 30-year cycle, it can take longer than working with a couple that has only been together for 7 years, for example.
Complicating factors:
Couples that have been through infidelity, addictions, deception or abusive behavior have a major lack of trust that changes the security in the relationship. Many couples seek out therapy due do these complicated situations. These couples may need more time to rebuild the trust and safety in the relationship.
How often should we come to therapy?
Generally, couples make the biggest gains in their relationship if come to therapy on a weekly basis at the beginning. Even though this is a big time and money commitment, you will see more gains in the relationship if you space your sessions on a weekly basis rather than bi-weekly or monthly.
Commitment to therapy
Another way to increase the gains you have in the therapy room is to be fully present to the sessions. That means fully engaging with the therapy process both in therapy and outside of therapy. Engaging means exploring and owning your part of the negative cycle that you are your partner get caught in.
Some people benefit with individual therapy along with couple therapy
Your couple therapist may notice a need for you to do some individual therapy. Sometimes this can add to the gains. Sometimes your therapist might encourage you to meet for some individual sessions or refer you to an “attachment friendly therapist”. (An attachment friendly therapist will see the struggle between you and your partner as a fight for connection, instead of diagnosing you or your partner.) For some people, it can be helpful to supplement couples counseling with individual therapy.
Goal of Couples Therapy is lasting change
There are two important phases of the work you will do in couple therapy. The first part of couples therapy is to calm down the negative cycle, we call this cycle de-escalation. You will notice that you don’t fight as much, and you understand how you touch your partner when you are arguing, and you will understand what causes you to escalate as well and what causes things to go off the rails for your partner. You will be feeling much better at this point. The fighting has been reduced and you and your partner don’t get stuck as much. Many couples want to stop therapy when this happens.
Completing the second phase of therapy is where the longer lasting effects last. This part is when the couple talks about their fears, views of themselves and views of their partner and their relationship needs. The couples that move through this stage have a bonding event and experience long term lasting benefits from therapy. Going through this second phase of therapy is what makes EFT different from other couple therapies; the change is lasting.
Couples Therapy: An investment
Research tells us that having a safe, loving and supportive partner improves the quality of life. Yes, couple therapy is a big emotional and time commitment. Remember that people that are in a secure relationship are happier. You are worth the investment!